Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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