i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
