Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
