What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
