My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
