we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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