So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
