Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize