dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
