I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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