I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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