I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
