"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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