dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
