My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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