the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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