Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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