While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
