Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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