Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
