party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
