Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize