Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
