i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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