Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize