there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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