if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She bit a glass in half.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
