I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
