She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
