Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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