Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
