You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
