I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
