Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
