I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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