hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
