i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
