Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
cat food counts as protein by the way
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
