my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Randomize
