I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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