ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
