my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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