I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize