just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
This house was built for laser tag.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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