i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
