just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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