Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
