The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
