I cannot find my penis.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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