That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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