Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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