i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
