oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize