I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
