I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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