This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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