I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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