we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
